Lord of the Citrus
by Che-chuck
Summary: This is a parody of LotR only its in high school and instead of rings its citruses. I also added some new characters. sorry for the looooong wait!
1. Chapter One: The History of the Cistrus

Disclaimer: I do not own LotR. I do however own all characters that I added in for my enjoyment.

Chapter 1 – The History of the Citrus

The high school is changed.

I taste it in the water fountain.

I feel it in the hallways

I smell it in the cafeteria.

Much that once was is lost, for none now are in high school who remember it.

It began with the growing of the great citruses. 3 lemons were gifted to the race of elves, who are smartest, prettiest, and coolest of all high schoolers.

7 limes were gifted to the dwarves, great editors and filmers of tapes.

And 9, 9 oranges were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire school spirit.

For within these citruses was the strength to govern each clique. But they were all of them deceived.

In the school of Middle Earth, in the orchard of the principal's office, The Dark Principle Sauron grew in secret a master citrus to rule all others. And into this citrus he poured his cruelty his malice and his will to dominate all other cliques.

One tangerine to rule them all.

One by one the free high schoolers of middle earth fell to the power of the tangerine.

But there were some who resisted.

A last alliance of elves and men fought against the dark principal in the hallways of the main building for the freedom of all cliques.

Victory was near but the power of the tangerine could not be undone.

It was in this moment when all hope had faded that Isildor, captain of the football team, took up his brother's football.

Sauron, the enemy of the free cliques of Middle Earth High School, was defeated.

The tangerine passed to Isildor who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted and the tangerine of power has a will of its own.

It betrayed Isildor to his expulsion from the football team. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.

History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years the tangerine passed out of all knowledge.

Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The tangerine came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into corners of the nurse's office.

And there it consumed him.

The tangerine brought to Gollum unnatural numbers of high school years, and for 600 years it poisoned his mind.

And in the gloom of the nurses' office it waited. Darkness crept back into the school of middle earth. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear; its time had now come.

It abandoned Gollum. But something happened that the tangerine did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable, a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of the band. For the time would soon come when hobbits would shake the fortunes of us all.


	2. Chapter Two: Bilbo's Retirement Party

Disclaimer: I do not own LotR. I do however own the characters I added in for my enjoyment.

(A/N – Sorry about the wait, I have most of this written in a notebook and I kind of lost it. Thank goodness I found it. Anyway this starts out kind of slow but picks up towards the end of the chapter.)

Chapter 2 – Bilbo's Retirement Party.

"Frodo!" Aliana called. Aliana was a hobbit who was staying with Frodo and Bilbo until she moved into the high school dorms at MEHS. No one knew Aliana's last name.

"Frodo!" Aliana yelled again. She then began to look in the most ridiculous places, such as in a cookie jar, or in a fireplace.

"Frodo!" Aliana yelled again as she turned around and ran into, you guessed it, Frodo.

"Where have you been? I've looked everywhere for you!" Aliana yelled. She was quite gifted at yelling. "I looked in the cookie jar, in the fireplace, and I even looked in the bread box!"

"I was in my room." Frodo said as he raised an eyebrow at this strange girl, whom he had no idea exactly how she ended up living with him and his uncle.

"Oh." Aliana replied.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Frodo asked the odd girl in front of him

"Um…let's see…" Aliana said as she put her hand on her head.

"Did you forget?" Frodo asked getting slightly annoyed.

"NO! Just give me a minute! Lets see…it had something to do with wizards."

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. "Oh, yeah! Gandalf and a friend are coming for Bilbo's party!"

"No more old students or well wishers!" Bilbo screamed as he ran through the living room.

"And what about old friends?" Gandalf shouted from the other side of the door.

"And new ones!" An anonymous voice cried.

Upon hearing Gandalf's voice Bilbo sprinted for the door. "Gandalf!" He cried as he ran into Gandalf hugging him.

"Bilbo, I'd like you to meet my friend Lana Liamara." Gandalf said as he stepped to the side, revealing an elf.

"An elf?" Bilbo asked amazed.

"Well, not exactly. I'm half elf, half wizard." Lana said cheerfully. "You would've taught me this year but you're retiring."

"Yes, well I've been teaching for a long time. I feel like butter spread over too much bread." He said airily, as he put his hand in his pocket. Gandalf eyed him oddly.

"Well then, where will you be going after you retire?" Lana asked.

"Rivendell, but don't tell Frodo, I haven't told him yet." Bilbo said as he removed his hand from his pocket.

"Bilbo dinner is ready!" Aliana called from the kitchen.

"Ignore her, she is lying." Frodo's voice called from the same place

"Instead of standing outside, why don't you come in and have some tea." Aliana said as she magically appeared in the doorway.

"I'm deathly allergic to tea but I'll have some ginger ale, if you have any." Lana said as she ducked into the hobbit hole.

"Um…ok…who are you?' Aliana asked.

"Oh! Sorry, I'm Lana Liamara, a friend of Gandalf's." Lana said as she extended her hand.

"I'm Aliana." Aliana said as the two girls shook hands. "Um…we may be out of ginger ale. You see Peregrin (spelling?) Took, or Pippin as we liked to call him, came for a visit a couple of days ago, and no matter how many times I told him there is no actual ale in ginger ale, he still insisted on gulping it down. The fool of a took." Alaina said, as she looked I the refrigerator.

"Hey! That's my line!" Gandalf exclaimed as he burst through the door.

"Sorry." Aliana said as she took a bottle of ginger ale that was almost completely empty. "You're in luck. There is just enough here for one person."

Suddenly, Pippin ran through the kitchen, grabbed the ginger ale bottle, and ran away. "Ok." Aliana said. She was quite confused. "How about some milk?"

"Sure." Lana replied cheerfully. "Wait! I'm allergic to milk." Lana said as she slapped her hand against her head. "I'll just have water. I'm deathly allergic to any liquid besides ginger ale and water."

"I've never heard of an elf with an allergy before." Frodo said as he walked into the kitchen.

"Frodo! You're back." Aliana squealed in excitement.

"I've been here the whole time." Frodo said as he looked oddly at Aliana.

"Well, it seemed like you were gone so…Welcome Back." Frodo rolled his eyes.

"I'm not an elf." Lana said, as she had just realized what Frodo said when he came in.

"What?" Frodo and Aliana asked at the same time.

"I'm not an elf. I'm half wizard, half elf." Lana said in a monotone voice.

"Oh." Aliana and Frodo said at the same time, again.

Suddenly massive amounts smoke started to fill the kitchen. It was coming from the living room. "Gandalf, my friend, this is going to be a night to remember." They heard Bilbo say.

"Why do they have smoke in the house?" Aliana said as she went outside.

The Party.

Fireworks were going off like crazy. This was the biggest retirement party, since, well, ever. It seemed like every hobbit that Bilbo ever taught was there. There were even some hobbits whom Bilbo had never met.

"So you see that's how…" Aliana had been walking with Lana and was telling her about the Shire, when she trailed off, for she saw a very handsome hobbit.

"Aliana…Hellooo…what happens after how…MIDDLE EARH TO ALIANA! DO YOU COPY?" Lana shouted in Aliana's ear.

"Huh…what?" Aliana asked as she was snapped out of reality.

"You just, and that's how, and then totally spaced out." Lana said.

"Oh, sorry….Oh my God! He is coming over here!" Aliana shrieked.

"Who?" Lana asked.

"Merry BrandyBuck. He is so cute and he is the future lord of Brand Hall." Aliana said excitedly.

"Hello Aliana." Merry said as he approached Aliana and her friend.

"Hi." Aliana squeaked.

"Whose your friend?" Merry asked as he looked up at Lana.

"This is Lana Liamara, and before you ask she is half elf and half wizard." Aliana

said before Lana could speak.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you." Merry said as he shook Lana's head. He then turned to Aliana. "Would you like to dance?" Merry asked.

"With you?" Aliana squeaked.

"Yes." Merry said with a chuckle.

"Ok." Aliana said as she took Merry's hand and dashed to the dance floor.

Meanwhile Bilbo was desperately trying the onslaught of old students and distant relatives. He had finally gotten a moments peace when his ears started to wiggle. "Oh no! The Saclo Bagginses." He said as he quickly crawled underneath the table that he had been sitting at. After his ears stopped wiggling, his dear nephew, Frodo, caught him crawling out from the table.

"Bilbo, what are you doing?" Frodo asked as he helped Bilbo to his feet.

"Avoiding the Saclo Bagginses." Biblo said as he and Frodo sat down at a table they had found behind a tent. "They are after Bag End and they have never forgiven me for living so long."

After a slight chuckle, Frodo noticed the people starting to gather around the podium they had built for this very special party. "You're going to have to give a speech soon."

"Yes, well that is part of giving a party." Bilbo said as he put his hand in his pocket.

"Bilbo, I want you to promise me that when you give your speech you won't confuse half the Shire, take out your magic tangerine, disappear, have an odd conversation with Gandalf, then leave for Rivendell." Frodo said in a weird all knowing way.

"I promise." Bilbo said quietly as he and Frodo walked toward the crowd of people.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" The crowd started to cheer as Bilbo came into view.

"Alright, Alright!" Bilbo said as he walked onto the podium. "My Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and BrandyBucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bracegirders, and Proudfoots." Bilbo started but was interrupted by a large hobbit who yelled, "Proudfeet!"

"Today is my retirement party! But alas, my time spent teaching was far too short a time to teach such admirable hobbits." This earned a great cheer from the crowd. "I don't know half of you half as well I should like and I like less then half, half as well as you deserve." The crowd was greatly confused.

"I have things to do." Bilbo said as he put his hand in his pocket pulled out his tangerine and put it behind his back. "I regret to announce that this is the end. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye." Bilbo said as he gave the tangerine a squeeze and disappeared.

The hobbits all gasped in shock. The party soon turned into pandemonium. However, Frodo just sat in his seat. A very dirty Merry and Pippin walked up to him.

"Frodo, do you know what happened?" Pippin asked eagerly.

"He broke his promise." Frodo said then left for Bag End.


	3. Chapter Three: The Tangerine of Power

Chapter 3- The Tangerine of Power

Disclaimer: I do own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters and I make no money off of this.

A/N: I'm sorry the really wait for the update. A whole bunch of crap like, I lost my notebook with this story in it (it still hasn't been found), and then I lost the charger for my laptop, happened. Oh and by the way if you see any really big mistake then please excuse me as I am writing this in my room very late at night. I would also like to thank my reviewer who corrected my mistake on the Saclo- Baginnses, who are actually the Sackville-Baginnses (I think that's what she put). I was trying to find my book when I couldn't quite understand what he was saying in the movie, but someone lost the first and last book, which left me with The Two Towers, which did me no good in this case. Anyway thank you and enough of my very long ramblings.

Bag End

Frodo rushed back to Bag End to see if he could catch Bilbo before he left. He ran in the doorway and found Bilbo's tangerine lying on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and then walked over to Gandalf, who was sitting by the fireplace.

Suddenly Aliana burst through the room. "Frodo! You'll never believe what happened!" Aliana yelled.

"Bilbo disappeared, I know." Frodo said annoyed.

"He did?" Aliana exclaimed. "I was just gonna say Merry danced with me." Frodo rolled his eyes.

"Gandalf!" Lana shouted as she entered Bag End. "I have something important to discuss with you!"

"I know what you wish to discuss and we shall discuss it, later." Gandalf said with a 'don't go there right now' look.

"So, Bilbo's gone then." Frodo said as he looked out the window.

"He died!" Aliana screeched.

"No Aliana. He has just gone to Rivendell." Gandalf said with a chuckle. "He left Frodo Bag End, along with all of his other possessions."

"He didn't leave me anything!" Aliana pouted. "Just figures."

"Anyway." Gandalf said turning to Frodo. "The tangerine is yours now."Frodo then looked down at **his** tangerine with interest.

"Lana and I must be going now." Gandalf said as he began to walk towards the door.

"But you've only just arrived." Aliana said blocking the door.

"There are things that I must attend to." Gandalf said as his eyes darted over to the tangerine. He then turned around to Frodo and said. "Keep it secret. Keep it safe."

"Keep what secret? Keep what safe?" Aliana asked over Gandalf's shoulder, for he had knelt down to talk to Frodo.

"The tangerine." Gandalf said. He then grabbed Lana's arm and then left.

"Well that was odd." Aliana said. "I'm going to bed."

2 weeks later at the Green Dragon

"Grr…" Aliana said as she down beside Frodo.

"What's got you so worked up?" Frodo asked as he noticed Aliana's angry mood.

"Estella Bolger." Aliana spat out. Frodo then looked at Estella to find her flurting with Merry.

"I see." Frodo said with a chuckle.

"Look at her! She is practically throwing herself at him." Aliana pouted.

"I don't know if this helps, but it doesn't look like Merry's enjoying the attention." Aliana quickly snapped her head in Merry's direction. Sure enough Merry was trying to loose Estella.

"She looks like a stray when she follows him around like that." Aliana laughed as her mood suddenly turned into a happy one. "I'm going to free him." Aliana said as she went over to Merry.

Merry, who was trying to politely get Estella away from him, seemed to brighten up when he saw Aliana. Estella, who saw Merry's change, was glaring daggers at her.

"What is she doing here?" Estella said as she moved closer to Merry. " Tell her to leave."

Aliana turned to Estella and pushed her away from Merry. "He doesn't like you. He has been trying to get away from you. Leave him alone." Aliana could be very straightforward when she was angry.

"Fine then! I'll leave!" Estella said as she left the tavern.

"Thank you." Merry said as he sat down next to Frodo and Aliana.

"Well, it looked like you were in pain, and someone needed to give that reality check." Aliana said as she took a sip from her drink.

"Yes, well you did quite a good job." Frodo said. The three of them burst into laughter.

"I've never met someone like you before." Merry said as took a sip from his ale.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Aliana asked pretending to be offended.

"I mean, I've never met someone so straightforward and interesting." Merry said as he and Aliana gazed at each other.

"Uh… it's getting late…so I'm going to Bag End." Frodo said. He was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. Merry snapped out of his gaze and realized what time it was.

"You're right Frodo! If I'm to get back to Buckland before morning, I should leave." Aliana glared at Frodo."But, I do believe I have enough time to escort Miss Aliana home, if she would allow it."

"Yes you may." Aliana said with a smile.

Bag End

"Well, I leave you two to say your goodbyes." Frodo said as he, Aliana, and Merry arrived at Bag End. He walked down the patch to the door of Bag End, which was open. Frodo warily stepped into his house. He could feel the suspense rising.

Suddenly a hand touched his shoulder. "Dun, dun, dun!" Lana said as Frodo jumped when she touched his shoulder. Frodo let out a heavy when he saw Lana.

"For a moment, thought someone had broken into Bag End."

"Well technically we did, but we didn't think you'd mind." Lana said cheerfully.

"Help! Help!" Frodo heard Aliana scream. Gandalf then walked through the door with Aliana under one arm. "Frodo! Gandalf's kidnapped me!"

"Oh relax! I just need to talk to you and Frodo." Gandalf said as he placed Aliana down in a chair.

"You didn't have to take me away from Merry." Aliana pouted.

"Is it secret? Is it safe?" Gandalf asked Frodo.

"Is what secret? Is what safe?" Aliana asked, again.

"The tangerine." Frodo, Lana, and Gandalf said at the same time.

"Oh." Aliana said quietly.

Frodo then opened a chest and began to dig until she reached the bottom. He then pulled out a brown paper bag. Gandalf took it from him, went to a bucket, and dumped the tangerine into it. Aliana peered over the bucket and found that it was full of mud.

"Eww. No ones going to eat it now." Everyone eyed her strangely.

Gandalf then bent down and picked up the tangerine. "Here Frodo. Its quite clean." Gandalf said as he handed Frodo the tangerine. "Does it say anything?" Gandalf asked.

"No." Frodo said. Gandalf let out a sigh but stiffened up when Frodo said, "Wait, there is something, but I can't read it. It looks like some form of elvish."

Gandalf turned to look at the tangerine and found that mud had formed the words around the tangerine. "It's in the dark language of the board of education, which I dare not speak here. In the common tongue it says; One tangerine to rule them all. One tangerine to find them. One tangerine to rule them all and in the darkness bind them."

"Wow. That's a lot of words to fit on a small tangerine." Aliana said. Suddenly the mud around the tangerine crumbled away.

"This is the one tangerine." Lana said later as they sat around the table.

"No duh!" Aliana said as she sipped on her tea. She was still quite upset that Gandalf had taken her away from Merry.

"The tangerine is trying to get back to the principle." Gandalf said.

"Ok. Now I know this is a 'special' tangerine and all, but how is a tangerine going to get to the principal?" Aliana asked.

"By alerting his minions to its presence." Lana said very seriously.

Frodo then stood up from the table, "We'll hide it and never speak of it again. No one knows it's here do they Gandalf?"

"I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum, but the enemy found him first. Amidst the endless detentions, they were able to discern two words: Shire, Baggins." Gandalf said solemnly.

"Shire! Baggins! But that would lead them here!" Frodo exclaimed. He then began to panic. "Take it Gandalf." He shouted as he shoved the tangerine in his face.

"No! I would take this tangerine with the desire to do good but through me it would wield an unimaginable power." Gandalf said as he seemed to have a strange calming affect on Frodo, but Aliana started to laugh uncontrollably. "What is so funny?" Gandalf asked annoyed.

"Tangerines!" Aliana said as she started to break out into more laughter.

The calming affect that Gandalf then started to fade as Frodo shouted, "It can not stay here!"

"No, no it can't." Gandalf said calmly.

"What must we do?" Aliana asked in a surprisingly serious tone.

"You must leave for Rivendell." Lana said. Aliana and Frodo then started to pack and where ready to leave when they heard a sanp outside of the window.

"Get down!" Gandalf snapped.

"Belly flop!" Alaina shouted as she and Frodo belly flopped to the floor. Gandalf took his staff and walked towards the window. He then thrust his staff out the window.

"Ow!" They heard a voice say. Gandalf then pulled Sam Wise Gamgee out of the bushes.

"What were you doing by that window Sam Wise Gamgee."? Gandalf roared.

"I was just clipping some rose bushes by the window there if you catch my drift." Sam stumbled to say.

"It's a bit late to be clipping bushes." Gandalf said with his staff pointed directly at Sam Wise.

"I heard raised voices." Sam exclaimed out of now where.

"Sam is not very smart is he?" Aliana asked Frodo. Frodo just shook his head.

"What did you hear?" Gandalf said as he pointed his staff closer to Sam.

"Nothing! That is I heard a good deal about a tangerine, and something about the end of MEHS, but please don't turn me into something unnatural." Sam pleaded as he cringed.

"No, I have a better use for you." Gandalf said as he took his staff away from Sam.

"You will travel with Aliana and Frodo." Gandalf said as he handed Sam a huge bag with pots and pans attached to it.

"You can't use the name Baggins anymore. Its not safe outside the Shire." Lana said as she handed Frodo a walking stick. "Keep away from the roads, they aren't safe either."

"We can cut across country easily enough." Frodo said as he grasped the walking stick.

"Hobbits truly are amazing creatures." Gandalf said as he looked at the three in the room. "You can learn all there is to know about them in a year and yet after a 100 years they can still surprise you."

"Well duh!" Aliana said as she walked towards the door. "We **are** the main characters."


	4. Chapter Four: To the Prancing Pony!

A/N: I am extremely sorry for the way long wait for the update. I could blame in on my having lost the notebook that already had this chapter, but I was very reluctant to write this chapter because I didn't want to rewrite it. My friends, however, kept bugging me about it (thank you Lauren and Rachel) so I finally finished the chapter. Thanks to Kabuki733701 for the information that it's Samwise not Sam Wise. It's hard to know these things without the book. Your help is greatly appreciated. Anyway, please enjoy chapter four… finally.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but Aliana and Lana, and I make no profit.

Chapter 4- The Road to the Prancing Pony

Somewhere Outside Bag End

"Tralalalala." Aliana sang as she skipped along the path.

"Would you stop singing? This isn't exactly a happy situation!" Sam shouted as he trudged after the group, weighed down by his heavy backpack.

"Well excuse me for not wanting to be in a serious dark mood for the entire journey, and may I remind you that you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for your stupid urge to trim and garden in the middle of the night!" Aliana said as she crossed her arms and tapped her foot in annoyance.

"Stupid random hobbit." Sam muttered as he caught up to the rest of the group.

"Alright this is where we must leave you." Gandalf said as he loaded up his horse.

"Wait, you're leaving us to make a perilous journey on our own? Well, that doesn't scream danger." Aliana commented sarcastically.

Lana, ignoring the comment, said, "We will meet you at the Prancing Pony in Bree, but remember not to use the roads or your name. It's not safe anymore."

"Right. Frodo do you have the tangerine?" Gandalf questioned as he looked down at the three hobbits.

Frodo simply pointed to the large bump in his pocket and raised his eyebrows in a 'did you even have to ask' manner.

"Gandlaf, promise me that you won't go to Isengard to seek your mentor's advice and find out that he has to turned to the dark side and that you won't get into a huge fight where you end up trapped on the roof of his huge tower and have to enlist an eagle to help get you off." Aliana said with a dazed look.

"Err… I promise." Gandalf replied with a wary look at Aliana.

"Alright, we're off!" Lana announced as she and Gandalf galloped out of sight.

"Why do they get horses?" Aliana complained to her travel companions.

"Because we have to stay off the roads. Otherwise the dark principal will sense the tangerine," Frodo said as he started to walk though the forest.

"Sense?" Aliana asked as she followed Frodo, "What is he some kind of voodoo king?"

Farmer Maggot's Field

Sam was dutifully following Frodo through the treacherous lands of Farmer Maggot's field. He was keeping up a steady pace until the backpack weight got to him. He just stopped for a second to readjust his pack, but when he looked up Frodo and Aliana were gone.

"Frodo," Sam began to call as he was slowly overtaken by panic. Well, maybe not so slowly as immediately afterwards he screamed in a high girly voice, "MR. FRODO!"

Frodo and Aliana ran back from the corner they had just turned to find Sam looking like he had just seen his mother naked. Yes, he actually had a look that said that. (A/N: This is about the most suggestive this story will get. Sorry perverts.)

"I thought I'd lost you." Sam explained after the group of hobbits stood in an awkward silence for a while.

"Sam, I'm fine. We're all here." Frodo replied as he put a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder.

"And if you would have been smart enough to turn the corner, you would've realized that all on your own." Aliana said with a look that said 'you are so stupid.'

"It's just that Gandalf said 'Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee,' and I don't intend to." Sam said as he looked at Frodo with extreme loyalty.

"Awww!" Aliana cried as she, once again, randomly changed moods, "That makes me think Frodo is a puppy!" She then began to pat Frodo's very curly hair and say cute little things to him.

Frodo angrily swatted Aliana's hand away and then softened and turned to Sam. "Relax Sam. I'm fine and besides, we haven't even left the Shire yet. What could possibly happen?"

As soon as Frodo said that, two figures came out of the field and tackled Frodo and Sam to the ground.

"Dog pile!" Aliana squealed as she jumped on the group, which somehow caused Sam to be pushed out of the pile.

Sam let out an audible growl as he began to pull the hobbits off of Frodo. "Get off of him," Sam bellowed as he pushed Pippin off of Frodo.

"Awww," Aliana said as she looked at Sam with a pouted lip, "has your puppy been crushed… Merry!" Aliana hugged Merry tightly as she had just realized his presence.

"Hello Aliana." Merry said as he hugged her back, creating a very cute loveable scene that was cut off by a loud shout from Farmer Maggot.

"You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!" Sam accused Merry and Pippin as Farmer Maggot drew closer.

"Um… no," Pippin said as his eyes glowed with trouble, "You have." He then threw all of the lettuce and carrots he had been holding into Sam's arms.

Merry smiled at Aliana and then turned and shoved all of his various vegetables into Sam's arms. Aliana was a little confused, at least until she saw Farmer Maggot's sith.

"Oh my gosh," Aliana screeched, "It's the Grim Reaper!" She then began to run away from the Grim Reaper, a.k.a. Farmer Maggot.

Frodo and Sam watched in silence for a while until Fordo turned to Sam and said, "We should go." He disappeared just like the others had.

Sam just stood dumbfounded for awhile until he noticed that Farmer Maggot was oh so close to him and he was holding most of the stolen food. He then turned and ran blindly after Frodo, turning once to look at back at Farmer Maggot and then running straight into Frodo, causing all five hobbits to fall off the cliff.

The five hobbits tumbled down the cliff and then landed with a 'kurplop' or rather a 'kurplop, kurplop, kurplop, kurplop, kurplop.'

"I think I've broken something." Merry exclaimed as he pulled out a broken carrot from behind his back.

"Help! A big fat hobbit is squishing me!" Aliana yelled from under Sam, though it was muffled so it came out as, "Mmph! A mmif mmit momit ms miffing mn." Merry sighed as he picked up one of Sam's pans and beat Sam until he lifted himself off of Aliana.

"I'm paralyzed." Aliana said, as she lay on the ground unmoving.

"Wasn't Frodo in-between you and Sam?" Merry questioned, noticing the lack of Frodo.

"Yes," Aliana said as she slowly pushed herself up, "but he somehow managed to land so that no one was on top of him."

"What exactly was the point of all that?" Sam interrupted grumpily as he finally regained his motor skills from Merry's vicious attack.

"It was a detour…" Merry tried to explain, "a shortcut."

"A shortcut?" Sam asked a smug grin finding it way to his face. "A shortcut to what?"

"Mushrooms!" Pippin exclaimed; not really as a part of the actual conversation but more because he had just spotted them by a random tree on the road. Sam, Merry, and Pippin immediately forgot what they where talking about and rushed over to the mushrooms; for the mushrooms contained some sort of hypnotic powers over hobbits who ate massive amounts of food.

Frodo looked around, just noticing they were on they were on the road. He began to freak out when an evil random wind blew down the road. "We should get off the road," Frodo said calmly at first but he was ignored; for the hypnotic mushroom's powers were too strong. "Get off the road!" Frodo finally screamed, breaking the mushroom's hold on the three hobbits. All of the hobbits ran off the road and scrunched under the root of a tree.

That's when they heard it. A low buzzing sound came from far off, getting louder as it came closer. The five hobbits saw a scooter pull up next to the tree. Then they saw a large black sneaker step off. Frodo closed his eyes and took the tangerine out of his pocket. He was about to squeeze it when Sam suddenly reached out and pushed Frodo's arm down. Then Merry, in a stroke of brilliance, threw the bag of mushrooms to another part of the forest. The thing soon followed.

"L-E-T-S G-O! Lets go!" Aliana randomly cheered as she ran off into the forest.

"Right," Frodo commented, "What she said." With that the four remaining hobbits ran till they found what they thought was a safe spot.

"What was that?" Pippin questioned as he lay down in the grass to catch his breath.

"Whatever it was, it was looking for something," Merry observed as he cast a look to Frodo, "or someone."

"We need to get out of the Shire." Frodo said, returning the same look.

"Does anyone else feel left out here?" Aliana asked as she watched what happened between Merry and Frodo, but no one could answer for the loud buzzing noise came back.

"Right," Merry said with an affirmative nod to Frodo, "Buckleberry Ferry." He then took off.

"Great," Sam commented as the hobbits followed Merry, "I love boats."

Suddenly a dark clothed figure adorned in a bright orange sash drove the scooter right into the middle of the hobbit gathering. Most of the hobbits were able to escape, but Frodo had a little trouble. He managed to get away from the threatening scooter and made it all the way to the dock.

Merry, who for some reason had the boat rather far out in the water, shouted, "Hurry up! Jump!"

And Frodo did just that: He jumped and landed with a giant belly flop onto the boat, which looked more like a raft.

"Ow," Aliana flinched as she looked down at Frodo, "are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Frodo rasped in a very high-pitched voice. "How far to the nearest crossing?"

"Brandywine Bridge," Merry replied as he stared oh so seriously into the dark abyss of water, "but before we get there, Frodo, you've got some 'splaning to do."

Surprised by Merrry's sudden shift into a rather odd accent, Frodo blinked a few times before he began to explain all that had happened.

Bree

The five hobbits, warn from their long boat drive, approached the door to Bree with great courage. Frodo reached up and knocked on the door. After a few moments of silence, a window opened waaaaaaaaaaaaaay above Frodo's head. It remained open for a few moments before it snapped shut and another window opened right in Frodo's face.

"Hobbits," the man, who was apparently startled by their appearance, exclaimed, "Five hobbits."

"Wow," Aliana stated as she looked up at the man with fake enthusiasm, "He can count."

"Who are you and what is your business here?" the man replied. He had apparently not heard Aliana's rude and sarcastic statement.

"We wish to stay at the Prancing Pony," Frodo said as he eyed the man warily, "and our business is our own."

"Well gosh," the man replied exasperated, "I'm just doing my job. You don't have to go all psycho on me. Come in you strange hobbits."

"Come," Aliana said in an overly dramatic tone, "Let us follow the angry man to the hotel/bar thingy called the Prancing Pony!"

The hobbits passed through the city of Bree only to find that it was extremely dirty. Most of the people looked they had been rolling around in dirt or chasing a pig, a really dirty pig.

"Look," Pippin exclaimed as he pointed at a short chubby man eating a carrot, "Its Peter Jackson eating a random carrot!"

"Who's Peter Jackson?" Aliana asked confused.

"He's… um… we're here!" Pippin shouted. In fact they were standing in front of the hotel/bar thingy called the Prancing Pony. Once inside, the hobbits found, thankfully, that everyone was clean. Well, not clean but not dirty like the people outside. They were somewhat sanitary.

Frodo bravely stepped up to the giant man who stood behind the giant reception book thingy. The man peered down at the tiny little hobbits and blabbered on about how he had some nice hobbit sized bedrooms, which Frodo though odd since the man who let them in seemed surprised at the appearance of hobbits. When the man asked for Frodo's name he quickly racked his brain for a name that wouldn't indicate he was trying to hide anything.

"Underhill," Frodo blabbered out, "My name is Underhill."

"Um… excuse me Mr. Hotel/Bar owner sir," Aliana said as she stepped up beside Frodo, "I was just wondering if you by any chance have seen an old wizard named Gandalf?"

The man seemed to contemplate for a bit before saying the completely obvious yet unexpected statement of, "Gandalf… Gandalf… Oh yes! I remember. Elderly chap, big grey beard and a pointy hat. I've not seen him for six months." The hobbits looked at each other wearily at the astonishing news.

"Ok," Aliana sighed, "either we've been on the road for way longer than I thought or Gandalf stood us up."

"Well," Frodo replied as he racked his brain for a very clever reason for Gandalf's absence, "maybe he is just not here yet. We should just get a table and wait for him a bit."

"Great!" Pippin exclaimed excitedly. "Then I could get some ginger ale!"

The five hobbits sat at the table chatting about stupid random subjects. "Look," Pippin argued with Aliana, "the ginger ale bottle was almost empty anyway. Can't you let it go?"

"No," Aliana replied as she glared at Pippin, "because I was about to serve the rest of it to a guest and you stole it from me, so you'll buy me another bottle and apologize to Lana when she arrives with Gandalf!"

Suddenly, Merry appeared with a very large mug of some sort.

"What's that?" Pippin questioned, eyeing the suspiciously large mug.

"This, my friend, is a pint." Merry answered as he looked gleefully at the mug before taking a large sip.

"They come in pints?" Pippin squeaked before a determined look came across his face. "I'm getting one."

"But you've had a whole half already!" Sam exclaimed as Pippin disappeared in the crowd of regular sized humans.

"For the last time," Aliana screamed, "there is no actual ale in ginger ale!" She was, of course, ignored by all of the male hobbits who accompanied her.

"That guy in the corner has done nothing but stare at you since we got here." Sam said to Frodo.

"You mean the guy with the hood of his jacket up all creepily?" Aliana asked as she looked at the man in the corner. "His name is Strider; well that's what everyone calls him at MEHS. I don't actually know what his real name is."

"Well that's encouraging. He is probably a serial killer or something…" Sam muttered as he took a sip of his drink. "What do you think Mr. Frodo?"

His question was unanswered as Frodo seemed to be in a strange dream like trance. He put his hand into his pocket and took out the tangerine, keeping it covered as he did so. He was, however, brought out of this trance by Pippin stupidly yelling his name and pointing him out. Frodo moved to stop said stupid hobbit when he fell.

Suddenly the entire world went into slow motion as the tangerine flew dramatically up into the air and then fell back into Frodo's hand with a squeeze. Back in real time, Frodo disappeared from sight.

"Oh crap," Aliana muttered as she looked at where Frodo was before he disappeared.

Meanwhile, Frodo found himself in a strange place where everything around him was smudgy. He managed to prop himself up against the wall of the bar when a giant detention form appeared in front of him singing, "One way or another, I'm gonna find ya. I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya."

In fear Frodo squeezed the tangerine again and found himself back in the regular unsmudged world. He relaxed a little until a voice whispered next to him, "You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill."

Frodo found himself being dragged away by the mysterious Strider.


	5. Chapter 5: The Way to Rivendell

A/N: Yay! Another chapter of Lord of the Citrus, and you didn't even have to wait a year for it. Thanks to my reviewers. I am really glad to see some very faithful ones and also to see new ones! Well, I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

**Chapter 5: The Way to Rivendell**

Frodo gasped as he was very harshly pushed into the menacing Strider's room. He tumbled to the ground in front of a large fire place. He quickly stood up and stated the oh so over used statement, "What do you want?"

Strider quickly pulled down the hood of his jacket to reveal his long unruly brown hair and surprisingly gentle eyes, "A little more caution from you. That is no grape that you carry."

"I carry nothing," Frodo replied as his hand grazed the large bump in his pocket.

"Nothing indeed," Aragorn said as he began to turn off all the lamps in his hotel room. "I can hide myself easily from trouble, but to disappear entirely… now that is a true gift."

Frodo gave Strider a cautious glance before asking the oh so overused question, "Who are you?"

Aragorn gave Frodo an odd look, "Are you frightened?"

"Um… I guess so." Frodo replied with a shrug.

"Not nearly enough," Strider informed him as he walked closer to Frodo, "I know what it is that hunts you."

Suddenly the door flew open and Aragorn pulled a football from no where, targeting it at the four hobbits who had just burst into the room holding various objects.

"Let him go!" Sam demanded with only his fists, "or I'll have you on the shakes."

"Yes," Aliana agreed sarcastically as she held her candelabra loosely, "cause I'm so threatening with my candle holder."

"You have stout hearts little hobbits," Strider said as his football disappeared back to wherever it came from, "but that will not help you now. They are coming."

Back at the Gate

The night was silent. The gate keeper was about to fall asleep when a loud buzzing noise filled the air. Suddenly the gate burst open and the dark figures with bright orange sashes rode their scooters to the Prancing Pony.

They entered silently, making every person who was weirdly hiding while they slept cringe. They entered the hobbit sized room with Detention slips held high in the air. As quick as lightening, they brought the detention slips down onto the beds – only to find there were only feathers underneath. The figure made high shrill shrieks of agitation. The sound, however, mysteriously woke up the hobbits who were sleeping at the hotel across the street.

"What are they?" Frodo questioned as his beautiful bright blue eyes turned toward Strider. (A/N: I really like Elijah Wood's eyes.)

"They were once leaders," Strider stated as he faced the hobbits seriously, "great leaders of the student body, but Sauron, the dark principal, gave to them nine oranges of power. One by one they fell to the power of the tangerine. They will never stop hunting you."

"Dun! Dun! Dun!" Aliana suddenly shouted. She received odd glances from everyone in the room. "Sorry. I thought we needed some random dramatic music."

Somewhere in a Wooded Area

The group trudged through the wooded area under the bright morning sun.

"I miss the bus," Aliana stated tiredly as she walked beside Merry.

"You could always ride the mascot," Pippin offered as he pointed to Bill the Pony.

"No," Aliana stated as she glared at Pippin, "he is already weighed down by all the things he is carrying on his back."

Sam just blinked at her as he ran a hand over the strap of his very heavy back pack, "Stupid animal lover."

"Shut-up pack mule!" Aliana said as she threw an extra pan at Sam's head, effectively hitting him on the head.

"Oi! Frodo!" Merry called from behind Aliana. "How do we know we can trust this Strider?"

"We have no choice but to trust him," Frodo replied gravely, casting a shifty glance at Strider who was within hearing distance.

"But where is he taking us?" Sam asked Frodo eagerly.

"To Rivendell, Master Gamgee," Strider replied as he led the hobbits further up the hill.

"Did you hear that?" Sam exclaimed, "We're going to one of the three great theaters. We're going to see the elves!"

"Yeah Sam," Aliana replied, "We all know about them."

The Watch Tower

"Yes!" Aliana gasped as the traveling group finally reached their resting point. She quickly dropped her bag and collapsed on the ground.

"I'm going for take-out," Strider said as he opened a hidden door. He began to pull out random instruments, "You'll need to protect yourselves from the hall monitors. These should do the job."

He then turned to Frodo and handed him a somewhat shiny trumpet. Frodo took the trumpet and began to practice marching around.

Pippin quickly ran up to Strider, grinning like a child at Christmas. Strider sighed and handed Pippin a clarinet. "Ooo… pretty!" Pippin squealed as he hugged the clarinet closely.

Merry calmly walked up to Strider and was promptly handed an alto saxophone. Merry grinned as he went and compared his instrument with Pippin's.

As soon as Merry had gone, Aliana ran up and grabbed a small baritone. (A/N: Baritones are definitely the best section ever… and I'm not just saying that because it's what I play.)

Finally Sam tottered over to Strider and looked up at him expectantly. Strider sighed as he placed a sousaphone onto Sam's shoulders. "I hate my life," Sam muttered as he awkwardly tried to sit down with the sousaphone.

Strider headed out for the take-out and Frodo tried to get some sleep, but was soon awoken by the other hobbits playing "This is Halloween" from a Nightmare Before Christmas.

"Stop playing you fools!" Frodo shouted as he ran over to the group. A look of horror crossed over everyone's face as they heard the ominous buzzing of the scooters.

"Que Horror!" Aliana shouted as she ran to the top of the tower. The other hobbits looked at each other oddly before following.

Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aliana marched in a protective circle around Frodo as the hall monitors appeared around the edges of the roof. Sam mustered up his courage and charged at the hall monitors. He didn't even have a chance to blow a note before he was knocked to the side by a detention slip. It wasn't long before the other three hobbits were knocked aside and the hall monitors descended upon Frodo.

In his fright, Frodo backed up to the wall, tripped over a rock, and dropped his trumpet. As he lay there he slowly drew out the tangerine and squeezed for fear of his life. To his shock, Frodo could see all the hall monitors clearly. He could also see their horrible acne filled faces.

"Give us the tangerine," the leader commanded in a high nerdy voice. When Frodo refused he drew back and slapped a bright orange sash onto Frodo's chest.

Frodo gasped in shock when Strider suddenly appeared in front of him with a yellowish towel in his hand. He quickly slapped the lead hall monitor in the face with the dingy towel.

"Ewww! The sweatiness!" The hall monitor cried as he curled himself into a tiny ball. "I can't handle the high testosterone levels!"

Frodo, gasping in pain, squeezed the tangerine again to make himself visible. Frodo drew in a sharp breath as the orange belt began to tighten its evil grip on Frodo's chest. Sam quickly rushed over to Frodo and was soon found to be a completely useless worrier.

Meanwhile Strider had finally managed to get the rest of the monitors out of the building. After he threw the sweaty towel at the last hall monitor, he quickly ran to Frodo's side.

After a quick glance at Frodo, Strider immediately knew what the problem was, "He's been slapped by a hall monitor's belt. This is beyond my skill to heal. We have to get him to Rivendell."

"But Rivendell is three buildings away! We'll never make it!" Sam cried.

"Ewww! What's happening to his clothes?" Aliana shouted as she pointed to Frodo. The clothes around the orange belt had begun to turn black and the blackness was quickly spreading through out his outfit.

"We must hurry and find a bottle of girl's perfume. It's dork repellent." Strider said as he turned into the doorway of a rather large lost and found.

Sam and Strider immediately began searching the shelves for perfume. Strider sighed as he found a bright pink bottle with matching pump. He immediately tensed as a surprisingly thick paper stack was pointed at his neck.

"What's this?" a mysterious feminine voice asked, "A football player caught off his guard?"

Hallway

Back in the hallway the black clothing was still slowly spreading all over Frodo. Frodo was breathing harshly as his really pretty eyes looked even prettier against his paling skin.

Strider walked towards the hobbits with a dark haired woman following him. Once they reached Frodo, the dark haired woman dramatically swept next to him and began speaking in a foreign language.

"She's an elf!" Sam cried, as Strider sprayed the perfume on the orange sash. The sash quivered with disgust.

"He is turning quickly!" The elf exclaimed as she noted the black color creeping into his clothes. "We must get him to my father."

Strider picked Frodo up and mounted him on a random horse that appeared out of nowhere. It twas' Snow, the elven school mascot.

The dark haired elf mounted Snow and was about to ride off dramatically with Frodo when Strider said, "Be careful, Arwen."

Arwen nodded as she rode off into the distance. Sam cried out in anguish as Frodo slipped out of his sight. He was then promptly knocked out by a frying pan.

Arwen rode Snow as fast as she could through the streets of Middle Earth, but it wasn't long until she heard the ominous buzzing sound.

Arwen glanced behind her to see five menacing hall monitors gaining on her. "You would think a horse would be faster then those stupid scooters," Arwen mumbled to herself before urging her horse to go faster.

Arwen avoided the hall monitors until she managed to get to the entrance of the great Rivendell Theater. She rode Snow up to the water fountains before she turned around and faced the group of hall monitors.

The hall monitors drew out their detention slips and shouted, "Give up the halfling, she elf."

Arwen glared at them before pulling out her large script, saying, "If you want him, come and claim him."

The hall monitors started to come closer and closer to Arwen; however, Arwen started to say some sort of spell in a foreign language.

The water fountains then sprang to life, squirting all five hall monitors in the crotch.

"Mommy!" The hall monitors squealed as they ran away from Rivendell.

Arwen smiled to herself and paused for a moment before quickly dismounting Snow and running into the theater with Frodo.

Somewhere in Rivendell

Frodo groaned as weird images slowly crossed his mind, "Where am I?"

"Welcome to Rivendell, Master Baggins," an old familiar voice stated.


End file.
